Jacob Lambert - Writing

		Privacy Assist “Hello, and thank you for calling PrivacyGuard, my name is Pam; how may I help you this afternoon?” “Um… yeah… I just wanted to cancel my account? My credit card company sort of pressured me into joining this program.” “May I have your name and phone number, please?” “Sure. It’s Jacob Lambert? 215, 893, 3534.” “Okay, Mr. Lambert, our records do show that you are a valued member of the PrivacyGuard family, which, as you know, keeps your accounts secure from identity theft—the fastest-growing form of crime in the United States. Before I do go ahead and cancel your account, Mr. Lambert, I am required to ask you: are you aware that at this very moment, groups of greasy-haired identity thieves may be plotting to root though your garbage pails as you sleep this evening? “Well, I—” “Mr. Lambert, our records show that you currently have good credit, as you are no doubt aware through the reports sent to you through our safe, convenient, and affordable monitoring program. However, Mr. Lambert, if you do discontinue your PrivacyGuard membership, you will not know until it is too late that those thieves found what they were looking for—and are financing a week-long smack binge on your dime.” “Smack binge? But the—” “Likewise, when an Albanian computer hacker has taken out a credit card in your name to finance his addiction to potato vodka and velour wallhangings, you will be none the wiser. Mr. Lambert, you do understand that, by canceling the PrivacyGuard program, you may be, in effect, purchasing an oversized tiger-print tapestry for this man? “What? I just don’t—” “Mr. Lambert, we assume that you do not enjoy being exploited by unscrupulous strangers, is that correct?” “Sure, but—” “For the nominal fee of twelve dollars a month, PrivacyGuard has kept your personal information secure, preventing you from a possible future of sleeping under bridges and surviving on a diet of sewer water and garbage thrown from passing cars. Mr. Lambert, do you enjoy washing down stale hot dog buns with water filled with dirt, pebbles, and broken glass?” “Yes! Okay? Yes! I do! I want to be a miserable hobo, and I want that Albanian to have his stupid wallhanging! I don’t care! Just cancel the monitoring thing like I asked you to! Isn’t this customer service? You’re just one more person trying to take advantage of my “insecurity” these days! Talk about ‘being exploited by unscrupulous strangers!’ If I want to have my life ruined by drugged-out trash-pickers or a web-savvy goat-herder, just let me, okay? I’ll take my chances! Just cancel my account!” “Okay then, Mr. Lambert… Effective immediately, you are no longer receiving the monitoring, security, and protection offered by PrivacyGuard. “Oh—I almost forgot—just for… administrative purposes, may I have… your credit card and social security numbers?”